Self-Exclusion: the worst part of me

I've always admired cold, lone characters. Not only because of the cool atmosphere they usually have, but because they always seemed to be immune to everything that could possibly harm a normal person. And now my deepest nightmare is to see that I've become just like them. And there's nothing cool in that.


Last week I read a comic strip about introverted people, and since I read that I just couldn't feel ok. The message has hit too deep in my soul.

I have always been like that, a little out of the "everyone's world". Because of that I've always felt lonely. In every place I went. In every hobby I practised. In every friendship I started.

Probably by my own fault, I'm just not able to maintain a friendship for too long. Or too deep. I can't share attention with more than one person, and I can't feel liked or cherished by them. It always seems like I'm being a nuisance.

Being cold, alone and reserved is not always nice. Because of that I developed too many fears. I've been protected, of course, but from what? This shield seems more like a bird, ornamental cage with a lock.

The hobbies I started were in order to make friends, but I always end up by isolating myself. Reasons? No, not only single reason for that. I just start to slowly get away from everyone and when I wake up, I'm already alone.

I started to write in order to feel that I belonged somewhere, started to talk with plants, dolls and myself so that I could feel less lonely.
That's why I'm always full of things to do. So that I won't have time to think and worry about these things. So that I will slowly substituting these fears, insecurity and loneliness with work, projects and hobbies. So that I can fool my brain into being too busy for those things, and blind myself to keep a smile while tears always seems to come out.

Why am I writing about it in English? So that I won't feel it's about me.


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